Celebrating AAPI Heritage Month with Rhea Wong
By: Rhea Wong, Nonprofit Consultant
In my freetime, I’m a fledgling stand-up comedian (because I’m a glutton for punishment). One of my jokes that goes over well in New York goes like this:
“I’m a fundraiser in New York. It’s great because I remind my donors of their daughters-in-law and I threaten to withhold the grandkids if they don’t write a check.”
Funny because it’s true.
As an Asian-American woman in fundraising, I often look around and I’m usually The Only. I suspect that Asian-Americans are already underrepresented in the nonprofit field (sorry, parents—didn’t become a doctor) and certainly doubly so in the higher ranks of leadership.
Over the past 15+ years as an Executive Director and lead fundraiser, my experience has ranged from the laughably awkward (“Chinese food is my family’s favorite”) to the offensive (“Did I ever tell you about how I gave dance lessons in a brothel in Hong Kong”) to straight-up sexual harassment (“How many zeros if you sleep with me?”).
Most importantly, I want the world to be better for the next generation so that they won’t have to make the choice between doing work they love and their own self-respect and emotional health.
When I walk into a meeting, I’m painfully aware of both the interests of the organization that I represent in addition to all of the preconceived notions that they might have about me as an Asian-American woman. In the back of my mind, I’m wondering what they’re thinking about and how much is based in racist tropes.
I’ve been told that I’m really articulate (subtext: for an Asian person), as if English wasn’t my first language. I’ve been told that I’m bold (subtext: for an Asian person) as if being a leader was unexpected. I’ve been told that I’m confident (subtext: for an Asian person) as if they were expecting a meek little mouse.
All of these stereotypes play in my mind on top of the running narrative that every fundraiser plays when going in for an ask and it’s frankly exhausting.
On top of the subtle and casual racism, there is the other element of being an Asian-American woman: sexualized, fetishized and objectified. When I was single, I used to have a rule that I would not date someone if they had dated more than two other Asian women and were not themselves Asian. Why? Because it starts to feel that they’re dating your race and not you as a person (please don’t get me started on people who say that it’s a “preference, not a fetish.” I. Just. Can’t.)
Over the past 15+ years as an Executive Director and lead fundraiser, my experience has ranged from the laughably awkward […] to the offensive […] to straight-up sexual harassment.
In the fundraising context, there is already so much in the way of unequal power dynamics, money and race. I would often wonder if the men that I would meet for asks genuinely interested in partnering with us or did they just enjoy having a cute young Asian woman at their table, laughing at their dumb jokes and pretending to find them fascinating?
When I first started fundraising, an older seasoned fundraiser told me that when I go in for an ask, I either had to show some cleavage or some leg. It can’t be both because that’s slutty but it had to be one or the other.
It’s time to call out the casual racism, toxic masculinity and sexual harassment in our industry. I suspect that goes doubly for women of color who are too often undermined, treated as objects and taught to dismiss their own discomfort.
I do what I do because I believe that the field of fundraising needs to be more diverse and that the power to move capital is power. I want all of the other young Asian American women who aspire to lead organizations and fund important work to see role models and mentors. Most importantly, I want the world to be better for the next generation so that they won’t have to make the choice between doing work they love and their own self-respect and emotional health.
And if all else fails, I will send out a note over the Asian Women listserve to withhold the grandkids if checks are not forthcoming.
Rhea Wong, Nonprofit Consultant
Rhea Wong is a leading nonprofit consultant, author, and stand-up comedian- her book “Get That Money, Honey!: The No-Bullsh*t Guide to Raising More Money For Your Nonprofit” is available now.
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